The Unwritten Rules of “Giving Good No”
by Helen Appleby
It can be hard to say “No” can’t it?
Work is crazy busy and you are already juggling multiple projects and deadlines and then along comes another obligation or invitation or request or “opportunity” to add to the load.
It’s a slippery slope of adding more to our load and prioritizing their needs over our own and before we know it we are missing our workout and resenting them and ourselves for agreeing.
And yet we don’t want to look unhelpful or like we aren’t pulling our weight or miss out either do we?
Often those requests catch us by surprise too…and it’s hard to know what to say on the spot. And so the list grows…..
Here are some unwritten rules to help you think clearly and navigate the tricky moments
Watch for the “Shoulds” Is it an “I want to” or an “I should really”?? As you get asked the “Could you possibly…..” question ask yourself “Do I actually want to or do I just feel obliged?” If you just feel like you “should” then move immediately to step 3 below!!
Plan ahead – Having a couple of pre-prepared responses can help enormously to buy you time or get you off the hook immediately. Copy a couple of these into the notes section of your phone and practice them before you see the committee chair (or class mom!) next time.
Say no! Here are suggested ways to do it well:
“Ah ha” – remember “Ah ha” is a complete sentence! Sometimes “We are looking for someone to take over from Philip on the project” doesn’t necessarily need an answer. Just move on!
Vague but effective: “Thank you for asking, but that isn’t going to work out for me.”
It’s not personal: “Thank you for asking, but I’m not doing any interviews while I’m writing my book.”
Ask me later: “I want to do that, but I’m not available until April. Will you ask me again then?”
Let me hook you up: “I can’t do it, but I’ll bet Shelly can. I’ll ask her for you.”
Keep trying: “None of those dates work for me, but I would love to see you. Send me some more dates.”
Try me last minute: “I can’t put anything else on my calendar this month, but I’d love to do that with you sometime. Will you call me right before you go again?”
Gratitude: “Thank you so much for your enthusiasm and support! I’m sorry I’m not able to help you at this time.”
Give X a chance: “You know, I feel like moms are always getting to do the holiday parties at school. Let’s ask a Dad if he wants to help this year.”
5-minute favor: “I can’t do X, but I can do Y (insert manageable small way to help).”
Just No: “Thanks, I’ll have to pass on that.” (Say it, then shut up.)
Gracious: “I really appreciate you asking me, but my time is already committed.”
I’m Sorry: “I wish I could, but it’s just not going to work right now.”
It’s Someone Else’s Decision: “I promised my (boss, coach, therapist, partner, kids etc.) I wouldn’t take on any more projects right now. I’m working on creating more balance in my life.”
My Family is the Reason: “Thanks so much for the invite, that’s the day of my son’s soccer game, and I never miss those.”
I Know Someone Else: “I just don’t have time right now. Let me recommend someone who may be able to help you.”
I’m Already Booked: “I appreciate you thinking of me, but I’m afraid I’m already booked that day.”
Setting Boundaries: “Let me tell you what I can do…” Then limit the commitment to what will be comfortable for you.
And ….If all else fails and you are completely blind-sided and tongue-tied in the moment - then say “I need to think about that, can I get back to you?”.
It’s not a no – but it isn’t a yes either and will give you time to think and respond in a planned way.
Move on!! The important thing about choosing where we spend our time is that we have made a choice – so no looking back – enjoy the things that you DID choose to do!!